And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
