so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
