i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
