hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
How external is "for external use only"?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
