Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
