That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
