Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
