I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
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