he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
