My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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