It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
