I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
