ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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