I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
