I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
