I want you more than these girls want KFC
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
