i barfeds in our rink
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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