im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
