So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
