apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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