final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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