he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
