i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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