I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
pop tarts are not kleenex
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
