from now on my penis is your penis
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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