Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize