Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
