One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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