Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
