I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
