and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize