my sisters under your porch take her home
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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