Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
