my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Randomize
