I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Tornado booty call.. dedication
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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