all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
