so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
