i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
