Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just made out with a guy for $7.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
