I just threw up on my dentist
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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