Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
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