chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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