put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Randomize
