I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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