I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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