just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
