So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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