Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
