My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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