Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize