yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
