so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize