whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
