remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
