if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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