A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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