As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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