Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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