I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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