Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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