just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
