Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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