nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
