Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
