i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
