I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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