Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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