I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
